2000-2002

The following is a transcript of one of the nine soliloquies from "Like Looking Away." Additional transcripts can be found in inadequate...Like...Power, (Secession, Vienna, and Verlag der Buchhandlung Walther Konig, Cologne, 2004. English and German.) (See Publications)

Age 21 (from NYC)
It's sort of awkward that you ask me, because lately I've been like a fanatic about it. Usually, it's more of a necessity than a desire, so I need a bit of convincing to, like, just get up and do it. My friend and my mother sometimes convince me to - and we have conversations about it. Because believe it or not, for me, I don't do it out of sheer want. There are other things that are a priority. Um...I more find eating to be a want.

Sometimes I set a limit on it. Um, after the World Trade Center, I would do it every three days, but I felt it was out of necessity. It was a release. It's never been a release for me before. I just found myself doing it like three days a week. It was something that I could do that I didn't have to put much thought into. I guess it wasn't exactly a release, but I got a sort of enjoyment out of it. It's sort of something that's like petty, superficial and I don't agree with feeding into the superficial. I don't know, at the time, it was like a lightening up of spirit and attitude. I felt this sort of desire. It took my mind away from the issues at hand, what the political issues were at hand. It's weird because I had this urge to do it for a period of time, and during that period of time it was like three times a week until I totally stopped.

What happened in September made me sort of travel outside of my world, my environment and its sort of totality. Now when I look back I guess it was me not really dealing with the event, and instead constantly, you know, desiring to do it. It was like looking away. Like, ok, let's see if I can do it again and never feel bad about other things. Now I don't do it at all, um, now I don't have a want or need to do it.